What to Do When Your Spouse Gives You the Ick
In recent years, social media platforms like TikTok and Instagram have popularized the term “the ick.” It’s that sudden wave of repulsion or disinterest toward a current or potential partner, often triggered by something small, like the way they chew, an awkward laugh, a bad outfit, an unusual sneeze, or even a quirky interest. For some, the ick is immediate and irreversible.
When you’re dating, feeling “the ick” can be helpful. Sometimes it signals a real red flag or even help you avoid a harmful relationship. But when it becomes a repeated pattern in multiple relationships, it may be worth asking if it’s more about your own discomfort with emotional intimacy, vulnerability, or unrealistic expectations.
But what happens when “the ick” creeps into your marriage? Maybe it’s your spouse’s fashion sense, the way they clear their throat, or how they tell the same story for the hundredth time. These small annoyances can slowly build and create distance, especially if we let them shape how we see our partner.
Many people today believe that relationships are guided by fate or chemistry alone. And while some connections may feel serendipitous, lasting love is built on something deeper—commitment, not just compatibility. Beware of annoyances that tempt you to think your spouse isn’t the right person for you.
For those who come from a faith background, marriage is a covenant, a sacred promise to grow and stay together. Whether or not that reflects your own beliefs, the principle remains: strong marriages are chosen and cultivated, not stumbled into by destiny. If you’re in a healthy, respectful relationship, the real work often begins after the vows.
Having a moment of “ick” doesn’t mean your marriage is doomed. It also doesn’t mean you won’t ever have occasional negative feelings about your spouse. But it does mean something needs attention.
If you’ve felt distant or easily annoyed lately, here are five ways to reset your perspective and reconnect with your spouse:
1. Focus on the positives.
Make a list of the things you admire and appreciate about your spouse. Gratitude is a powerful shift that redirects your mind away from irritation and toward affection.
2. Learn each other’s emotional needs.
Understand what helps your partner feel loved and supported. Go out of your way to show care in ways that matter to them, even if it doesn’t come naturally to you.
3. Strengthen your friendship.
Do things you both enjoy. Be curious about each other’s inner world. Laugh, reminisce, and spend quality time together. Friendship is the glue of long-term connection.
4. Show daily affection.
Small, everyday touches—hugs, kisses, a hand on the shoulder—create safety and warmth. Physical affection often helps rebuild closeness where words fall short.
5. Shift your self-talk.
When you’re frustrated, resist the urge to mentally list your partner’s flaws. Instead, remind yourself of your shared history, your good moments, and the bigger picture of your relationship.
The truth is, relationships thrive when both people consistently choose each other with grace, effort, and intention, even when things feel “off.” Feelings change, but love deepens when it’s practiced. By implementing these practices, you can get rid of “the ick” and build a more positive and loving relationship with your spouse.
