Tending the Garden of Your Marriage: How to Keep a Good Relationship Flourishing
If you’re reading this article—then congratulations—you and your spouse are likely in a healthy and thriving relationship! A good marriage is definitely something to be celebrated, but like anything else, it is still a changing, growing organism. Even strong marriages need intentional care.
With the right focus, you can move your marriage from “good” to “great,” to be thriving, not just surviving. Think of your marriage as a garden. In order for a garden to look healthy and beautiful, it needs to be tended to on a regular basis. Without routine weeding, watering, and fertilizing, it can quickly fall into disarray and become an impossible place for growth to occur.
The same goes for your relationship. The best way to prevent the soil of your relationship from drying up is to constantly look for opportunities to grow together.
The Three Pillars of Growth
The best defense against stagnation and complacency begins with putting these three pillars into practice:
View your marriage as a covenant
Understand the purpose of your marriage
Create a safe space within your marriage
Pillar 1: “Covenant” over “Contract” Mentality
In the worldly sense, marriage is a contractual agreement between a man and a woman. In the biblical and spiritual sense, marriage is a covenant, one that should be emulating the relationship between Christ and His bride (the church). It’s a vow that says, “I’m all in. I surrender my life to Christ and my spouse.” A contract, on the other hand, is a self-seeking deal that puts the rights of the individual first and limits their responsibilities.
It’s the difference between renting a house and owning a home. A renter isn’t going to put in the time and effort needed when a house has serious structural issues. They’ll fix the problem by simply moving into the next option. A homeowner, however, is willing to use their time and resources to fix the issues and build it back stronger than before. The same goes for a marriage. When you live with a “homeowner” mentality of your relationship, you’re choosing a covenant over a contract.
Pillar 2: Understand the Purpose of Your Marriage
According to Jesus, we were created with two ultimate purposes in mind; to love God and to love each other. Humans are designed to be in relationships, both with God and one another. Understanding this truth helps you to appreciate why God brought you together in the first place. To have a successful marriage, both people need to be committed to pursuing Christ and one another in everything they do.
Without a shared goal, a marriage can quickly be derailed by the promises of the world. More money, a new house, or a better job title isn’t going to give you the happiness and fulfillment of a relationship that is aligned with Christ and one another.
Pillar 3: Create a Safe Space for True Intimacy
A marriage cannot survive without true intimacy. It’s not just about physical closeness (though this is important too.) Instead, it’s about spiritual and emotional closeness to one another. This can only come through unhindered access to one another without reservations or fear.
In order to cultivate this kind of intimacy in your relationship, both people need to be dedicated to becoming each other’s safe space. This means creating an environment where communication is encouraged and both parties feel comfortable expressing their thoughts without being afraid of judgement or anger. In this type of atmosphere you’re paving the way for a marriage that can withstand both the ups and downs of life.
The Ongoing Practice
A great marriage comes from ongoing action and dedication. It’s up to both of you to ensure that you’re taking the proper steps to creating a future that lasts. Here are four practical reminders to help you keep building the marriage of your dreams.
Step 1: Create a Shared Vision
Avoid living as separate components and act as a unit. Approach your marriage with the same enthusiasm and energy that you would put into any other event you plan in your life. A great first step to doing this is by booking an XO Vision Retreat.
Vision Retreats are specifically designed to provide couples with the time away they need to set a clear vision for their marriages and families. You can learn more here if you’re ready to plan the next stage of your life together and gain the tools you need to get there.
Step 2: Invest with Energy and Value
True love and intimacy aren’t built by grand romantic gestures. Instead, they are created by the ordinary everyday actions for one another. Being in love isn’t a feeling; it’s a choice that requires daily effort. This includes approaching your marriage with energy and valuing the wants and needs of your spouse.
It’s important that your spouse feels like their feelings and interests are heard and never belittled. By listening and responding with respect, you’re telling your spouse, “what’s important to you is important to me too.”
It’s also extremely important to be fully present in your relationship.Dedicating time and attention to your relationship and making an effort to understand their perspective is a powerful way to show how much you value them. Listen to them when they talk to you. Put your phones away and spend the evening together screen-free. You deserve each other’s unhindered presence.
Step 3: Choose a“We Win” and Grow Together Mindset
Because we’re human, sometimes it can be hard to deny our competitive nature in marriage. Oftentimes we’re more concerned about being right than solving the issue at hand with grace and gentleness. It’s important to remember though that you and your spouse are on the same team; your ultimate goal should be for “us” to win, not just “me.”
Philippians 2:3 instructs us, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves.” Instead of trying to out-argue your spouse, try to out-serve them. Instead of trying to be right all the time, remember that the ultimate goal is for the both of you to succeed in your marriage (and sometimes that means saying sorry first!)’
Commit to making your marriage an incubator for growth by pouring hope, encouragement, and prayer into your spouse on a daily basis, while holding yourself to the stand standards. Even in thriving marriages, sometimes couples need moments of radical, dedicated refocus.
These dedicated experiences can help elevate connections from being good to outstanding. XO’s Marriage Intensives are the perfect way to make an accelerated investment in your marriage by providing one to two days of focused, distraction-free time to proactively learn new skills together. If you’re ready to schedule some time to refocus on your marriage, you can learn more about Marriage Intensives here.
Don’t just settle for good. Strive for a marriage that creates a legacy of love and reflects Christ’s love for the Church.
