Why Your Struggles Don’t Mean Your Marriage Is Over

Maybe things haven’t been the same between you and your spouse in a while. Maybe you’ve never entirely felt like you were on the same page to begin with. Maybe lately the tension has become unbearable. Somewhere along the way, you’ve drifted apart, and now it feels like you’re one step away from divorce.

In moments like this, it’s easy to wonder what went wrong or assume your marriage isn’t what it should be. Oftentimes we have been led to believe that to have a “godly marriage” means to have a relationship free of conflict that is always peaceful and easy. If we do have deep-rooted conflict in our marriage, we may take it as a sign that we have failed or worse, we were never right for each other in the first place.

When these doubts begin to creep in, it may be tempting to surrender to the allure of giving up and divorcing. But divorce doesn’t afford the “easy out” that it often promises. Divorce doesn’t eliminate your problems; it just exchanges them for a new set of issues that come with the territory of legal separation. Oftentimes, these problems prove to be even more devastating than the issues you had with your spouse in the first place.

While conflict is undoubtedly painful and straining on a relationship, it is not a sign of failure. Rather, it’s a sign of a difference that has become unmanaged in your marriage. This misalignment is just a chapter in your story, but by no means is it the end of your story. It’s a sign that your relationship needs reflection.

Just because you feel like your relationship is hanging by a thread doesn’t mean there isn’t hope.

Exposing the Root of Conflict
Conflict is not just a possibility of marriage; it’s a guarantee.

The Bible tells us that in our life on earth, we will face trials. They’re an inevitable part of marriage and our overall walk with Christ. But we can take comfort in the fact that through the fire and the waters, the Lord walks with us every step of the way (Isaiah 43:2). Since we understand that tough times are unavoidable, it’s important to understand where these problems arise from and how to move through them in a healthy way.

Let’s look at three common roots of marital conflict and how to begin healing from them. 

Problem 1: Your Beliefs
What was the last thing you and your spouse fought about? Was it money? Picking up the kids? The still-loaded dishwasher?

Whatever it was, it’s likely that your fight was a reflection of a deeper issue at hand. You’re not upset that the broken lightbulb wasn’t replaced like you’d asked. You’re upset because you feel unheard and disrespected.

Unmet expectations and misunderstandings work together to create the deep-seated frustration that then lends itself to a variety of other surface-level issues. These issues can also be exacerbated by unaddressed past traumas and triggers from one or both spouses.

For couples who have been in a troublesome season for what feels like forever, it can be quite common for both parties to turn into “emotional recluses”, effectively shutting down communication and “checking out” of the relationship because neither party sees the light at the end of the tunnel.

This creates a perfect environment for anger to accumulate and fester and gives the devil the space he needs to plant poisonous thoughts about one another.

Realizing these things can be extremely painful. It may feel like a combination of a bunch of shortcomings from you and your spouse. But in order to begin proper healing, it’s important to acknowledge that this conflict reveals the unhealed parts of yourself that need to be surrendered to God.

Problem 2: Hopelessness
“Nothing will ever change” is one of the most harmful lies we tell ourselves, especially when it comes to our marriages.

Research shows that unhappy couples who chose to stay married and persevere through their difficulties saw massive improvements afterward. Another study concluded that about 80% of unhappy marriages who remained together rated themselves as “happy” five years later.  

The bottom line? Divorce is not the answer to your unhappy marriage. The answer is working through the tough times, because the payoff is so much greater than any separation could give you.

Problem 3: Not Enough Time
Maybe you and your spouse truly feel like you’ve done everything possible to salvage your marriage. You’ve implemented prayers together, weekly date nights, open daily communication… maybe you’ve even started marriage counseling or couples therapy.

While all of these efforts are important and can be helpful for couples in a rocky spot, these piecemeal efforts can only do so much. True four-dimensional intimacy involves spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical closeness; these weekly efforts tend to only address one of these facets.

When it comes to especially deep-rooted issues, an hour-long session each week might not be enough to allow couples to truly get to the source of their problems in a timely manner. What often happens is that weekly sessions quickly get overpowered by the other demands of life and are usually cut off right when momentum has been built.

Solution 1: A Marriage Intensive 
That’s why uninterrupted, dedicated time away from the pressures of daily life is often the key to breakthrough. Digging  through your issues as a couple for one hour a week may not effectively  resolve the deep-rooted hurts that are causing your conflict in the first place. 

XO’s Marriage Intensives provide you and your spouse the conditions needed to truly take a step back and dig deep into the core of your issues as a couple through isolation, depth and momentum, safety, and biblical guidance.

• Isolation: Setting aside a day or two step away from everyday life.

• Depth and momentum: Sitting with a dedicated guide for hours, not minutes, in order to trace your conflicts back to their core.

• Safety: A safe place to address past hurts and traumas and equipping you with healthy coping mechanisms to work through high-tension situations.

• Biblical guidance: All XO Marriage Coaches are trained with God’s design for marriage in mind.

Solution 2: Choosing Not to Settle
Remember that while you may be experiencing the toughest chapter of your story, it doesn’t mean it’s the end.

View it as an opportunity and invitation to find your way back to one another and develop a deeper bond than ever before. Taking the time to identify the root issues like unmet needs, apathy, etc. allows you to move forward with a roadmap for action. 

The decision goes beyond just not divorcing; it’s a matter of deciding that you won’t settle for anything less than a thriving, loving marriage.

Psalm 46:1 tells us that, “God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.” Take comfort in the fact that even though you are walking through this difficult time together, the Lord is making a way for you and your spouse. He doesn’t promise that trouble won’t come, but He promises that He will be there every step of the way. Look at this chapter of your life as an exercise in surrendering your life to His will.

Solution 3: Taking Action
If you’re ready to stop “checking out” and break the exhausting cycle of surface-level repair, you and your spouse need uninterrupted, focused time together. Face your difficult season head-on together by choosing action over apathy. 

Ready to take the next step toward a thriving marriage? XO’s Marriage Intensives are a guided one to two-day experience designed specifically to provide you and your spouse with the space and time you need to dig to the core of your issues and develop healthy, sustainable ways to handle conflict and reestablish your relationship. 

Click here to learn more about Marriage Intensives or sign up for a consultation today.